I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We need to rekindle our bromance
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
