I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
