Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
