Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
