party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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