Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Randomize
