Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize