For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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