You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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