Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
