I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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