i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
