I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
