he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
