I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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