why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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