I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
