I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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