That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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