do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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