yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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