WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize