Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
