did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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