how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
