:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
