Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
