Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
