I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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