You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
