You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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