if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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