i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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