I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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