YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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