I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
