Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
