I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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