i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
