angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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