i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have aggressive nipples.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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