She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
