mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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