i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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