she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
