I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
