If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you didnt know i had herpes?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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