just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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