One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
