Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
two words...techno handjob
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
