don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize