Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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