When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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