She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
