Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
