im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
