I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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