the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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