You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
