i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
