TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
