i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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