Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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