They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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