when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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