Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize