Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
